To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: 9/94
If you still can't figure out how to get on the list, you're probably a "Family Circus" fan anyway and not destined to mingle with the new ruling class except maybe as domestic help.
But hey, clean homes are important too.
You'll be able to while away the otherwise useless business day by watching a variety of educational vignettes: Animated lawyers being beaten with large mallets; the Secretary With a Crossbow; Ratbert abducted by a golden eagle; Saint Dogbert driving out the demons of stupidity; Dogbert pummeling an MBA with a rolled up budget report; Bob giving wedgies and lots more.
The Dilbert Screen Saver will be available for the holiday season at major retail stores and mail order, but in the mean time if you have any questions, feel free to call Delrina at 1-800-268-6082.
The preferred strip featured Dogbert helping Dilbert's company select a new high-tech name. Dogbert used a computer to randomly generate words from astronomy and electronics, finally coming up with the name "Uranus Hertz."
Some people cried "censorship" when they noticed that a few newspapers ran the alternate. But this wasn't a case of censorship.
It's only censorship if the suppression is for moral reasons. In this case some newspaper editors thought the substitute cartoon was better for their readers. That's just editing, not censorship, and it's okay with me.
As most of you know, in the first Dilbert Newsletter I said when Dilbert's perky tie went limp it would be a sign that Dilbert got lucky. On August 9th the tie headed South.
But there were some ambiguities: Liz said she wouldn't get physical before marriage; then Dilbert attributed his relaxed condition to becoming a Unitarian. Many readers were confused.
Some of the theories I got by e-mail included:
If you believe what you read, the sky is thick with aliens who are designing pyramids, disemboweling livestock, impregnating rural people and generally having a good time at our expense.
But we also read that thousands of people celebrate holidays by firing guns in the air. From a statistical standpoint, you'd expect many aliens would get caught in the hail of bullets and we'd find their tiny green bodies slumped all over the place. But I've never found one. And I've looked.
Logically then, guns must not exist.
Of course, some conspiracy theorists believe that the government swoops in and creates elaborate cover stories whenever an alien lands in somebody's shrubbery. This line of thinking depends on the notion that the government is highly efficient. (I don't know how the conspiracy theorists exchange ideas, but I'm guessing it's not through the mail.)
Over the summer I've received lots of suggestions about whether Dilbert should lose his innocence or Liz should be hit by a meteor. Opinions were divided, but the most persuasive letters basically said:
"Neither option is creative enough."OUCH!!
But I'd already written myself into a corner.
So I did the only thing you can do when you're trapped in a corner: I chewed my way through the wall. I broke the unwritten cartoon rules. I shifted responsibility for defining reality...to you.
My solution was to write the comic equivalent of a traffic accident. All the witnesses see the same event but perceive it differently. Reality is, after all, subjective. How you interpreted the August 9th strip says a lot about you.
About 18 out of every 20 people saw the limp tie and perceived that Dilbert lost his innocence. They believed that when Liz said "no" she didn't mean it or she changed her mind. Maybe some readers trusted me as the authority figure in this case, and I clearly implied the tie was the sign. Or maybe they just wanted Dilbert to get lucky. The people in this group buy lottery tickets and expect to win.
A few of you questioned all of the assumptions. You considered the possibility that the tie could be down for some other reason. That, coupled with the pun-like word "Unitarian" led you to believe Dilbert took matters into his own hands. This group took Liz at her word and assumed the author was trying to pull a fast one (so to speak). This group is composed of lonely people who are often misdiagnosed as professional tennis players. (Think about it.)
A small minority of readers distrusted Liz, assuming she must be married but not to Dilbert. The people in this group voted for Perot and occasionally find bullet-riddled aliens slumped in their shrubbery.
One Unitarian asked if he could reproduce the August 9th strip for a recruiting brochure. He will go to heaven.
Dear Dogbert:
I noticed that the Dilbert cartoon is available on the Internet. Is it okay if I copy and distribute it everywhere as long as I don't make any profit? It seems like this would be good publicity for you.
Dear Moron:It's apparent that you were raised in some god-forsaken Eastern Bloc communist country. Let me explain some of the basic concepts of capitalism.
The best way to learn is by experience. I'd like you to go to your nearest mall departments store and try your approach to get some free pants.
Don't let them intimidate you with their snooty attitudes. As you well know, if you wear their pants it's excellent publicity for Macy's. In fact THEY shoud pay YOU to take their pants. Remember, the only thing that really matters is that you were considerate enough to ask. Besides, they have lots of pants and you only have a few pairs.
If this approach does not yield satisfactory results, just grab a pair off the rack and run for the exit. If you hear a loud alarm as you pass through the exit it means you have won a prize hog from the store. If you do not see the hog immediately, make loud hog calls until the prize committee surrounds you (they have maroon uniforms -- can't miss 'em).
As far as the Dilbert strips go, they are copyrighted. That means you can't copy them without permission from United Media (which generally means sending them money -- call 800-221-4816).
But you seem like such a nice guy that I'll ask them to send you special written permission. If you don't get it in a few hours it must be lost at the Post Office. So call the Surgeon General and complain. And don't accept her lame excuses about jurisdiction.
Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com