To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: January 1995
When we get about 50,000 members we can start bullying politicians into passing laws that benefit us at the cost of others.
For example, I support a law that would tax readers of Family Circus and give the money to DNRC members.
I think we could argue that it stimulates the economy since we would be inclined to go out and blow any extra money we got, whereas Family Circus readers would just squirrel it away in a mattress in the attic until rats ate it.
It was a big spoon. Here's the... uh... scoop.
The character isn't Satan; he's "Phil from Heck" -- a character that appears occasionally to handle the situations that aren't serious enough for Hell.
Phil was created the first year of the strip. Originally he was conceived as Satan, but my editor thought that might cause problems with readers. So instead of the Lord of Darkness I ended up rewriting the character to be Phil from Heck, the Prince of Insufficient Light. It seemed right that he should have a big spoon instead of a scary pitchfork.
Now if you haven't tried to draw a giant spoon lately, let me tell you it's pretty hard, especially for me, since many of my characters already look like giant utensils.
We're up against a bunch of relatively useless products that do things like restoring lost files. (Bo-o-o-ring!!) Actually, I don't know what most of the other products do but I hate them just the same.
If your company is a member of the Software Publishers Association (SPA) you have a vote. Please hunt down the person at your company who votes and promise them a guest pass to the DNRC (good through July) if they will vote for the Dilbert Screen Saver.
Or, if it's not too much to ask, you could stage a hunger strike. (I'd do it for you.)
The results will surprise nobody in the DNRC: the winning irritant was "Idiots promoted to management" followed closely by "Being forced to work with idiots".
Votes
-----
- Idiots promoted to management 924
- Being forced to work with idiots 638
- Empowerment 428
- Micromanagement 390
- Status Reporting 353
- Performance Reviews 330
- Reengineering 285
- Quality 270
- Overtime without pay 262
- Lack of training 142
- Ordering Supplies 112
- Hoteling 60
Total votes 4,194
The Associated Press picked up the story and it got reprinted in major
newspapers all over the country. CNN reported it several times on
Prime Time News.
Dozens of reporters and radio shows called me to ask for my opinion on how to deal with the idiot infestation problem. I fed them a bunch of crap about the importance of training. But I'll tell you my real opinion:
I think the only solution to the idiot problem is to have specially trained German Shepherd dogs who identify idiots and separate them from the rest of the people in meetings.
For example, when the idiot comes to the meeting 15 minutes late and insists on revisiting the first agenda item the dog will burst into the room and sink its teeth into the idiot's donut-fattened thigh and drag him into the hallway. This may seem cruel, but the dogs will get used to it.
But suppose you have no budget for trained dogs. What then? The answer is to assign all of the idiots to a new project that requires lots of meetings and has no vital business purpose.
You could call it something like "The Quality Competitiveness Task Force" to conceal your treachery. Wait nine months (a respectable time) then eliminate the project and its staff without having to address the question of their individual shortcomings.
I sent a suggestion that you should do a comic on the subject of "work". If you use my idea, can you send me the original art?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
Unlike some lazy cartoonists who draw one original cartoon per day and
then reproduce it, Mister Adams draws an original cartoon directly
onto every single copy of every newspaper. You can simply clip your
original Dilbert art out of the newspaper.
Dogbert
I'm an accountant who likes to draw cartoons. I've developed a cartoon called "Larry the Dust Mite". My friends think it's funny. Could you drop whatever you're doing and answer all of my questions about cartooning so that I can become a syndicated cartoonist and bump you out of newspapers? I'd really appreciate it. Oh, by the way, I love your comic strip Gilbert.
Floyd
Dear Gloyd:
It makes good sense to abandon accounting and try to become a
syndicated cartoonist, despite what you've heard about the odds being
10,000 to 1 against you.
The trick is to get yourself "discovered" by an editor from an
important cartoon syndicate. To do this, you must set yourself apart
from the thousands of would-be cartoonists who simply mail photocopies
of their work to syndicate editors. You must do something different,
something memorable.
I recommend plastic surgery to make yourself look like a Klingon from
Star Trek. (Makeup won't fool anybody. You need the surgery.) Then
travel to the headquarters of a major comic syndicate, dress yourself
in putrid street-person clothes, douse yourself with gin and lay on
the sidewalk just outside their lobby. When anybody walks by who
could be an editor, leap up and yell "SPARE CHANGE?!!"
Then you'll all have a good laugh, talking about the Klingon surgery
and how you talked the street-person out of his clothes and all that.
Your sense of humor will be evident. You will form a lifelong bond
with the editor and you will be on your way to fame and fortune.
Dogbert
(P.S. Try King Features first)
(P.P.S. Lazy persons can try subscribing to Cartoonist Profiles at
P.O. Box 325, Fairfield, CT 06430 at $25 per year. It has good tips
for beginning cartoonists.)
My friend Raquel wrote an e-mail to you and got a personal response. But when I wrote I got what appears to be an impersonal form letter. What's the story?
Bernadette
Dear Writer,
Thank you for your letter. Your comments are always appreciated.
Have a nice day.
Dogbert
The lesson: Being on the Dilbert list is neither a right nor a privilege; apparently it's luck. I don't know what the heck is going on. I referred the problems to my customer service organization but they just continued to lay in sun spots on my rug and lick their fur.
John McDonald earns the title of "Saint John of Cod" for pestering the Cape Cod Times to reinstate Dilbert after inexplicably dropping it. Many others also complained, but they didn't write to tell me about it.
David Hershberger earns the title of "Saint David of Grass Valley" for organizing a grass roots signature campaign to successfully get Dilbert into the Grass Valley Times (it was front page news in Grass Valley -- and David was interviewed by the New York Times about it.)
Sainthood in the DNRC comes with some special privileges:
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" -- a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91. From Andrews & McMeel.
Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags". I'll do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true stories of idiotic management and clueless business practices.
Send them to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. Thanks!