Dilbert Newsletter 3/95

To:    Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:  Scott Adams
Date:  March 1995

DNRC Status Report

In just eleven months Dogbert's New Ruling Class has grown to over 20,000 cynical (yet oddly attractive) members!

But don't worry, that still leaves well over 5 billion people to do our menial work after Dogbert conquers the planet and enslaves all non-members. Start putting your job list together now.

Name the Non-DNRC People

What we really need is a good derogatory nickname for non-DNRC people. The phrase "non-DNRC people" is kinda klunky and doesn't convey our full contempt for fact that they squander our valuable resources such as oxygen and vowels.

Their name should sound harmless and endearing but have a clever double meaning. For example, we could call them "pumpkin" to their faces, then mutter "...head" under our breath while clearing our throats.

Or we could call them "Dumplings", because you can't say dumpling without "duh."

I'll print the best suggestion in the next newsletter. And the person who suggests the winning name will be elevated to DNRC Sainthood.

(Note: My examples were intentionally non-funny so as not to discourage your participation by overwhelming you with my own professional suggestions. I could do much better. I'm just holding back. I'm not defensive. Leave me alone. Stop touching me.)

Dilbert's New Home on the Internet

You may notice the sudden disappearance of Dilbert from the GNN web page and the ClariNet service.

Dilbert has moved to his own home page on the World Wide Web, courtesy of United Media. Here's the address:

http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert 
     Here's what you'll find 
     ====================================================
     - Dilbert cartoon of the day (one week delay)
     - Prehistory of Dilbert -- early rejections
     - Photo tour of how I create Dilbert
     - Dilbert Newsletter archive
     - Instructions on joining Dogbert's New Ruling Class
     - Dilbert character descriptions.
     - Early photos of me (may frighten young children)
     ====================================================
A special DNRC preview of the page is available on March 31st. It's open to the general public (Dumplings?) the next day.

Pioneer Preference

Anybody who is on the Dilbert mailing list prior to June 1995 will be granted permanent "Pioneer Preference" status in the DNRC. This elite status gives you the special unalterable right to wildly exaggerate how life in the DNRC was in the early days.

Delight your friend(s) with stories about how your first newsletter was delivered to you over a six baud modem and filled your entire 1K hard disk. Fortunately, you were able to rewrite the operating system of your computer to make room, creating a new operation system called "Dogbert's Operating System" (DOS for short) which was later adapted from its shareware version into something commercial by a weird guy with glasses who kept hanging around your house so he could meet your sister.

DNRC Enemies List

I compiled an official "Enemies List" to unite the DNRC. But I could only come up with a few names that I thought would have general agreement:
  1. Little Billy from Family Circus
  2. Satan
  3. Marcia Clark's hair stylist

Witch Hunt

I have received unconfirmed reports that executives at Computer Associates have tried to find out which one of their employees is really the ghost writer for Dilbert.

One of the things they don't teach you in business school is what to do when your company starts to resemble a comic strip. I guess the executives at Computer Associates figured that the best corrective action was to seek out the author of the comic and punish him. That should improve morale.

In recent published reports I've also been described variously as an employee of Hewlett-Packard, AT&T and Pacific Gas and Electric. And I've been rumored to have links with most of the aerospace companies.

I think what's really happening in all of these companies is that disgruntled employees are starting rumors just to tweak management. Try starting the rumor that the author of Dilbert works at your company -- it's worth 50 points in the DNRC and it's more fun than scanning a photo of your butt and pasting it at the top of your new org chart. (So I've heard.)

Origin of Bob the Dinosaur

New readers of Dilbert may be puzzled by the occasional appearance of a dinosaur. Bob the dinosaur appeared several years ago after Dilbert did a computer analysis which proved that dinosaurs couldn't all be extinct...therefore, logically, they must be hiding. That's when Bob and his dinosaur mate Dawn revealed that they had been hiding behind the couch.

Dawn is skilled at moving quietly among humans without detection, which is why you rarely see her anymore. But Bob has to compensate for his poor stealth qualities by wearing tennis shoes to soften his footsteps.

So you see, it all makes perfect sense.

Complaint of Sexism in Dilbert and the DNRC

In the last newsletter I granted sainthood to two DNRC members for their efforts in getting Dilbert in the local newspapers. By coincidence, both saints were men. A few women wrote letters like this one:

"Dear Mr. Adams:

OK, I love the strip, etc., but in the strip and in the newsletter the assumption seems to be that it's guys talking to guys. I.e., the rights of saints include:

The right to relieve yourself in the parking lot of any mall The right to call any non-Saint "Big Guy", as in "How's it goin' Big Guy?"

That cuts out 51% of your readers, you know what I mean? I'm not asking for political correctness here, but there *are* women in the computer industry and lots of them read your stuff. I'm just asking for a little awareness."
My first reaction was to devise a brilliant and witty "reasonable doubt" defense based on the theory that a rogue cop planted incriminating sexist evidence in my newsletter.

I even paid my neighbor's maid to support my story. But the whole plan started to fall apart when Johnnie Cochran refused to handle my case because he "...didn't want to associate with a person like me."

My second plan was to scratch myself in a socially unacceptable manner and then spit. But I was sitting in my studio at the time and I figured that this insightful and biting satire would be totally wasted on my cats.

Eventually my denial impulse subsided. I decided to plead guilty and mend my sexist ways. As a sign of my new enlightenment I have revised the rights of saints to be more gender-sensitive:

  1. The right to relieve yourself in the parking lot of the mall, but only after waiting in a long line.
  2. The right to call any non-Saint "Beverly."
I'm not just being politically correct. It's the right thing to do.

Dogbert Answers My Mail

Dogbert answers the letters that I'm too polite to answer myself.

Mr. Adams:

I was perusing a forwarded copy of your Dilbert newsletter (v.4) and noticed two instances where you used "lay" when you should have used "lie." This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and it distresses me no end that a talented (and influential) cartoonist such as yourself should fall victim to this pernicious grammatical faux pas. Please be more careful in the future.

--m
p.s. I am not a crackpot.

Dogbert responds:

Dear Crackpot,

Sounds like you need to get lied.

Dogbert

Mr. Adams:

We are students at Dartmouth. We keep reading your strip and can't find any humor there. Is it supposed to be funny or autobiographical or what?

-- Timmy and Ron

Dogbert responds:

Dear Timmy and Ron,

I hope you have athletic scholarships.

Dogbert

Best "P.S." of the Year

Dear Scott,

Thanks for Dilbert. He's often the only worthwhile reason for buying the Sunday paper.

Dave

P.S. My name really isn't Dave. I've changed my name to the symbol that looks like the word "Dave." I prefer to be addressed as "The guy formerly known as Dave, who is now known as the symbol which looks like the word 'Dave' (but really isn't the word Dave.)"

My new name is starting to cause some confusion. I think, in part, because the pronunciation of my new name - the symbol that looks like the word "Dave" - does not sound like the word "Dave" at all.

Unfortunately, my new name is pronounced differently depending on who is addressing me. The exact pronunciation also depends on the season and the temperature, but I usually don't get mad at mispronunciations unless someone makes absolutely no attempt at all to pronounce my name correctly.

Fortunately for you, Scott, the pronunciation of the symbol that looks like the word "Dave" is exactly the same as the word Dave, even when its really hot or cold outside. Of course, since this is e-mail, all this pronunciation stuff doesn't really matter.

Reprinting This Newsletter

Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette.

Scott Adams
A HREF="mailto:scottadams@aol.com">scottadams@aol.com

Web pages courtesy of Net Ads and Roadkills-R-Us.