Dilbert Newsletter

6.0 (June 1995)

To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: June 1995

Highlights

The Non-DNRC people get a name

Dilbert shirts popping up in stores

First Dilbert Personals Ad

DNRC Status Report

At the latest count, there are 40,000 brighter-than-average and increasingly attractive members of the DNRC, poised to take their place at Dogbert's side when he conquers the world and makes everybody else our slaves.

Remember, there is power in numbers. And power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. So if you have an important date planned, bring us all with you. It can only help.

DNRC Defense Update

In the first real threat to Dogbert's eventual world domination, a potato-worshipping cult has cropped up in the Northwestern United States, led by the charismatic Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes and self-proclaimed "Omnipotato."

The Potato Cult has proclaimed a jihad (look it up) against the DNRC. We don't know much about their theology, but according to informants it can be summarized as "We like potatoes."

Apparently there is some confusion in their ranks, due largely to the unfortunate coincidence that their arch nemesis Dogbert is shaped like a small potato. However, this is not likely to fool them for long.

Although we must take this threat seriously, violence is never the solution, unless you can hire expensive lawyers and pay them with the proceeds of your book. Or you can make it look like an accident. Or if it's self-defense for something that somebody might do to you in the future. Or if it's for valid religious reasons. Or if somebody slips into a parking space that is rightfully yours and you figure the satisfaction would be worth the penalty. Or you have diplomatic immunity. Or the victims are people who stubbornly support an inefficient form of government.

In those cases violence seems to be a sensible solution. But I don't recommend it in this situation. The potato people carry forks and they know how to use them. Several of their members have been accused of "a salt and buttering." (They got out on a peal.)

I think our best course of action is to eat as many potatoes as possible this summer. The more you eat, the higher your status in the DNRC. This offer ends after August.

   10 Points for each potato-equivalent you eat*

   15 Bonus points for yelling "Death to the Potato People!" 
      followed by a maniacal laugh while your mouth is full 
      of grotesque potato carcasses.  You must be in a
      restaurant when you do it.

* Because I know you'll ask, let's say 20 french fries 
  equal a potato.  Or one large bag of chips.

A Cartoonist's E-mail

Have you ever wondered why people write to a cartoonist? Here's a breakdown of the hundred or so messages I get per day:

  30% Story ideas intended to embarrass a boss or co-worker
  25% Unreasonable requests for favors
  20% Unfavorable comparisons to Calvin and Hobbes
  10% Admin stuff:  book info, reprints, newsletter, etc.
  08% Questions about Dilbert's tie, mouth or weight
  05% Investigations into my "real" identity or work place
  02% Lewd proposals (This category needs work!)
  01% Criticisms of my math

In the "unreasonable requests for favors" category, the winner for this month is Bill, who has repeatedly asked that I put every cartoon I've ever drawn in a ZIP file and send it to him by e-mail because he's my "biggest fan."

An alarming number of readers are under the impression that I have become a government agency whose mission is to dole out small economic favors. Dogbert will be handling those requests from now on.

Dogbert Answers My Mail

In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to handle myself.

******************

Dear Scott:

My friend Irv is a huge fan of the comic strip Dilbert. It would mean so much to him if you could write a personal message congratulating him on his 40th birthday. And please say something funny about golf.

Susan

Dear Susan:

When Mr. Adams is not raising money for the poor or lobbying congress to preserve our environment he thrills in the challenge of reducing your personal expenses for greeting cards. While some cartoonists would consider your request a tacky imposition -- and I'm not naming names here (rhymes with Brudeau) -- Mr. Adams is thrilled that you cared enough about him to ask. Consider it done!

Dogbert

******************

Dear Scott:

I remember a series of cartoons you did a few years ago that mentioned the accounting department. Could you please e-mail copies to me?

Arnold

Dear Arnold:

I'm glad somebody out there is smart enough to realize how uneconomical it is to buy Dilbert books when you could just send an e-mail directly to the author and get the few that you actually enjoyed for free. You are correct in your assumption that Mister Adams creates his comic strip as a labor of love with no thought of receiving remuneration for his work. In fact, I know he'd love to rummage around in his closet looking for the cartoons you requested, scan them and e-mail them to you. If you don't see them soon, your best bet is to contact the people who manage the Internet and ask where the file went.

Dogbert

******************

Dear Scott:

Like yourself, I'm a creative person too. I make stop-action videos using only lunch meat for characters. I would like to talk to you about forming a creative partnership. Give me your address and I'll send a copy of the video so you will be obligated to talk to me. What would be a good day to have lunch?

Steven

Dear Steven:

Ordinarily, Mister Adams would gladly give out his home address to a stranger who makes lunch meat videos. He enjoys getting rumpled packages of unknown origin through the U.S. mail. However, he is currently involved in several joint ventures with other lunch meat video producers and what you're suggesting would be a conflict of interest. However, if you're interested in becoming a stalker, an application form is enclosed.

Dogbert

Family Circus Online

For those of you who missed it, Bil Keane, creator of Family Circus, held an online "chat" with fans on America Online. I was lucky enough to catch part of it and include the transcript below as a public service.

ModestoGuy:  "Bil, how old is little Billy?"

ScottAdams:  "ModestoGuy, Bil can't see your question unless 
             you hit the 'Interact with Host' button."

ModestoGuy:  "Well, then how old is Dollie?"

ScottAdams:  "ModestoGuy, WE can see your question but Bil
             can't unless you press the 'Interact with Host'
             button.

ModestoGuy:  "Bil, why are you ignoring me?"

ScottAdams:  "ModestoGuy, he CAN'T SEE YOUR DAMN QUESTION!!!"

ModestoGuy:  "Okay, okay.  You don't have to get nasty."

ScottAdams:  "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."

ModestoGuy:  "So, Bil, How old is Barfy?"

Tech Support People Respond

In an article I wrote for Windows Magazine (May 1995) I said some things that angered people who work in tech support. Many wrote to point out how difficult it is to work with idiot users like me. The best example from a reportedly true tech support incident went something like this:

    "I asked a user if he was running his program under 
    Windows.  He said "No.  My desk is by the door -- but 
    you know, you make a good point.  Tony sits under a 
    window and his program is working fine."

Hold the Presses

According to news reports, Philip Morris has recalled billions of cigarettes because they are concerned that there is something unhealthy in them.

(Insert your own joke here)

Clarification

All it takes to be a member of the DNRC is to add your name to the Dilbert Newsletter mailing list (see instructions at the end). And all it takes to have an official title is to give yourself one. Since these are self-designated titles, you should be thinking a bit bigger than the DNRC member who wrote this:

"Please include me in the Dilbert newsletter. By the way, I shall be known as 'Manager of all dust found in computers'."

Some people have suggested that the entry requirements for the DNRC are too low. But believe me, it's still challenging enough to keep a whole lot of people out. Which leads me to my next topic.

Name the Non-DNRC People

In the last newsletter I asked what we should call people who are not in the DNRC. The rules were that the name should sound harmless to them but we would recognize it as a clever insult. I didn't specify that the name had to be sophomoric, but most of you accurately surmised that I would rate those suggestions higher. Hundreds of suggestions poured in.

And the winner is:

*** In-duh-viduals ***

As promised, sainthood has been bestowed on the winner, Saint Heather of Beantown.

    Usage:    "You're quite an in-duh-vidual, Andy."

    Meaning:  "Someday you will be cleaning the gunk
              behind my refrigerator, houseboy."

Although "in-duh-viduals" is the preferred name, any of the honorable mention names can also be used (see below). After all, it's not as though the In-duh-viduals will catch on.

Honorable mention:

"Stars"
Because from our perspective, none of them are very bright and there are more of them than we really need -- G. Guglielmo

"The Empowered Ones"
Because only the truly gullible will regard that as a good thing -- R. Graziano

"Team Players"
Because that's a nice way to say "loser" -- T. Miller

"Barren (of intelligence)"
Pronounced "Baron" -- J. Strachan

"Dildon't"
No explanation needed -- J. Andrews

"Mo"
Short for Moron -- H. Elliott

"Turdberts"
Self explanatory -- S. Manousos

"Wiz"
Sounds like a bodily function -- J. Becker

"Honey"
Because honey is just bee-poop -- N. Daly

"Hydrants"
We could say "Hy" when we see them -- D. Walker

"Sir" and "Miss"
Sir is short for "servant" and Miss is short for "mistake" -- D. Schumacher

"Biscuits"
Harmless, almost cute, but essentially dog food -- M. Hirsh

DNRC Enemies List

Many of you wrote to suggest friends and family members who should be added to the DNRC enemies list. But I think it's important that we only include people we can all agree on. So this is how the list stands:

Little Billy from Family Circus
Satan
Snuggles the fabric softener bear (new)
Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes (new)

Many people wrote to suggest that Barney the purple dinosaur should be added to the enemies list. But that would seem redundant with item #2.

Marcia Clarke's hair stylist has been removed from the enemies list. Soon after the Dilbert Newsletter mentioned Marcia's hair she abruptly changed stylists and emerged with a new DNRC-Approved look. This is likely to sway the jury in her favor and result in O.J.'s conviction by a jury of his peers; all of whom are Heismann Trophy winners if I'm not mistaken.

Most Clever Suggestion

In a recent storyline I had Dilbert and Wally trying to figure the best engineering work-around for the keyboards that were missing the letter Q. Gary Jensen, a man with too few things to think about, wrote with this solution:

Type the letters "KW" in place of "Q"
Run "spell check" and the computer will replace KW with Q

Dilbert Personals Ad

As most of you already know, computer-using people are the sexiest people alive. So it shouldn't surprise anybody that I get a lot of mail from women who are searching for their very own flesh and blood "Dilbert."

As a public service I have agreed to run a personal ad in the newsletter for one lucky woman. This is a real ad. She set up a special e-mail account for this purpose:

Dilbert is my dream man....
I have this thing for men with a really big hard drive (over 250 meg preferred) and exceptional memory. You should prefer actual to virtual reality. You're intelligent, kind, spiritual, strong, and loving and will be gentle with my heart. I am very spiritual (Buddhist), vegetarian, college professor and managment consultant, romantic, outspoken, big heart & deep soul. I'm intelligent and very well educated but can talk about cartoons and Elvis along with the best of them. Brown, naturally curly hair, Rubenesque (not hwp), hazel eyes that change shades with my moods, a smile that shines. I live a stone's throw from Microsoft. (The escaping brainwaves are making me dizzy.) Hurry and write before I pass out. Send replies to:
WifeForYou@AOL.com

[Note from Scott: I don't know what "hwp" means either, but if that's what you were looking for you're out of luck.]

Dogbert and Dilbert Dolls

Many of you noticed a stuffed Dogbert on my Web pages on the Internet and wrote to ask how to get one. We're working on prototypes for stuffed Dogbert and Dilbert "action figures" for later this year. I'll let you know when they're available.

Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com

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