Christianity Index (Record Purity Test)

Author: Russell Skingsley <skingsley@picknowl.com.au>

(OK, so thanks to the Orphans of God mailing list, there's at least one new item here! --Ed)

(The following is a lovely bit of work from the infamous rec.music.christian. Insert tongue firmly in cheek... --Ed)

After listening to all that people have to say on the seemingly never ending question of how christian an album is, I now have the answer. Introducing the chrsitianity index or CI for short.

How do we decide if an album is acceptable to listen to?

Is it secular?
Is it christian?
Do the lyrics mention God?
Do they explicitly mention Jesus?
Do they mention God but not Jesus?

It's so confusing! Well, see the light and be confused no more by applying these simple rules and deriving the Christianity Index.

Christianity Index - the instructions.

Grab the album in question and apply the following rules:

Start the index at 100% (lets hope for the best).
Does the cover depict any nudity or suggestivesness? Subtract 5%
Does the cover contain any well known or rumored satanic symbols? Subtract 5%
Is the order of the songs on the cover correct or are they different on the album as opposed to the cover? I hate that, and besides God is a God of order. Subtract 10%
Does the cover contain dark colours? Subtract 2%.
Did the album cost more to buy that than it cost the company to make? If so that's peddling the gospel. Subtract 3%.
Count up the songs on the album that don't say "Jesus", multiply by 5 and subtract that.
Count up the number of times the artist says "Yo!" on the album. This is a worldly word and should be avoided by true christians. Jesus never said it, so we shouldn't. Multiply by 2 and subtract that.
Are there any cover versions of songs not fully approved by the Christian index process on the album? Subtract 5% per song.
Are any songs on the album written in a minor key? If so, subtract 2% per song.
Do any songs on the album contain Gsus chords? If so, add 1% per song.
Are there any periods of music only on the album lasting more than 23 seconds? Subtract 3% for every such period.
Have you heard any songs off the album on non-christian radio stations? Subtract 1% for each time you have heard it on such a station.
Does the lyric sheet contain a scripture reference for each song? If so, add 20%
Does the artist smoke, drink or swear? If so, subtract a lenient 20% for each unholy act.
Was the album purchased at a Christian bookstore? If so, add 10%.
Count the number of times the word "boy", or "girl" occurs on the album, multiply by 2 and subtract that total.
Count the number of times suggestive panting occurs on the album and subtract that.
Is there an altar call at the end of the album? If so, add 25%.
Are there any words on the album that you cannot hear properly? Add up the words and subtract them.
Is the artist dead? If so subtract 40% as this is obviously God's judgement on his music.
Does the album contain a leaflet on overseas child sponsorship? If so add 10%.
Is it a Christmas album? That's opportunism and the eroding of the true meaning of Christmas. Subtract 20%
Does the album contain any rumored backward masking? Subtract 15%.
Do any of the video clips of songs on the album feature the artist dancing with someone other than their husband/wife/some other relatve? Subtract 18%.
Does the album contain a new hip version of an old hymn? If so, subtract 10% for messing with tradition.
Has the artist ever appeared on Monday Night Football? Football is worldly and association with such a sport casts doubts on an artists commitment to God. Subtract 10% for every such appearence.
Has the artist ever sung "Happy Birthday", "Merry Christmas" or "He's a jolly good fellow" ? Anyone who really loves God would only sing about God. If so subtract 20%.

[Escape.] [Whine.]

Maintained by Miles O'Neal <meo@netads.com>.
Web pages provided by Net Ads.