It seems there is allegedly a company producing narcotic bird seed, the concept being that the birds (a) get addicted, so they return more and (b) hget more laid back, so you get to see more of them. The seed is named ``Happy Landings''. Someone on Spaf's Yucks list posted this, and then pondered the potential impact on endangered species.

The firm denies the story, but I had already written this before I found that out.

Happy Landings!

• cats
• dogs
• coyotes
• mountain lions
• kodiak bears
• hunters
• raptors
• roadkill

I finally hit on a solution. I got into a race with a guy from the Oregon DOT. We raced backwards down highways in California with glasses of Extract of Lotus Essence Oil on our heads. An observer in each car had a cell phone, and when the other guy's glass fell off first, I was notified. As he lost, he now has to get rid of the birds. I'm not sure why, but he's been talking to the Save the Whale people.

In the meantime, I'm going to sue the Happy Landings people. It's the American Thing To Do.

I'll keep you informed.

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