The Mexico-Mars Scandal

The Adventures of Politically Correct Man!

Billy: "Al, have our distinguished visitors shown in, please."

Al: "OK, Billy. <pause> Ms. Thompson, please send the Senators in."

<tinny voice over cheap Lectronic Shack speaker> "Yes, Mr. Uberoth."

Billy: "Al, what's the protocol for s state governor meeting with his state's national senators? I mean, who ranks here?"

Al: "Sir, I believe that as you are the chief executive, you out-rank them. Anyway, it's your office, your turf - so you win this time, regardless."

<door opens - anonymous voice announces> "Mr. Governor, United States Senator Daryl and United States Senator Daryl. Senators, Governor Clinton."

Billy: "Call me Billy. How are you boys this fine day?"

Daryl 1: "Just fine, Mr. Gov <hick laugh> I mean, Billy. How y'all?"

Billy: "Just fine, thank you. Now, what I wanted to..."

Daryl 2: "We're the Senators from Arkinsaw!"

Billy: <after brief pause> "Well, uh, yes. Um, as to why..."

Daryl 1: "We love yer book!"

Billy: "Uh, excuse me? My... book?"

Daryl 2: "Well, yer story. <hick laugh> In the newspaper."

Daryl 1: "That's what Ah meant."

Billy: "Oh, why, er, thanks, I mean...thank you very much. Now, what I..."

Al: <hissing> "Control! Home turf, remember?"

Daryl 1: "We really love it."

Daryl 2: "We can't read! <hick laugh>"

Daryl 1: "Now, what'd ya have ta go and tell him that for?"

Daryl 2: <contrite, looking paranoid> "Oh, uh...we love your book!"

Billy: "Yes, well, I love yours, too!"

Daryl 1: "We haven't got no book!"

Billy: <impatiently, a la Oliver Wendell Douglas of Green Acres> "Well, neither do I!"

Daryl 2: "Oh. yeah. Right!"

Billy: "Now, gentlemen, please listen! The reason I called this meeting is to warn you of what I feel is a dire danger to our country!"

Daryl 1, Daryl 2: <gasp!>

Billy: "That's right. Gentlemen, Senators, my fellow illiteratti..."

Daryl 2: "What's that?"

Al: <smoothly> "It means an official from Arkansas."

Daryl 1: "Ah thought so."

Billy: In a word... Mars."

Daryl 1: "Mars!?!?!?"

Daryl 2: "Daryl, call Betty Lou! Get yer gun, it's the Martians! Oh, mah Lord, and Ah thought that was jest a radio play on the radio the other naht!"

Billy: "No, no, no. Mars, the candy bar company."

Daryl 2: <looking confused> "They got candy bars on Mars?"

Daryl 1: "You never heard of Mars Bars? Or Milky ways?"

Billy: "Actually, I mean M&Ms."

Daryl 2: "Huh?"

Al: "You see, Senators, Mars the company, as opposed to Mars the planet, is the company that makes and sells M&Ms, in addition to making and selling Mars the candy bar."

Daryl 2: "How about that. Don't that beat all? And here all this time Ah thought it was K-Mart!"

Daryl 1: "Don't you mean Wal-Mart?"

Daryl 2: "Oh. yeah. Wherever we buys 'em. <faces camera> Sorry about that, Sam!"

Billy: "Anyway... They've been putting red dye number 2 in M&Ms, and..."

Daryl 1: <looking pale> "Is that some kinda poison?"

Daryl 2: "Or it just turns us all inta commies?"

Billy: "No, it's just that it might cause cancer in laboratory rats."

Daryl 2: "Oh, gosh, will that drive up the costs of that state health care bill you're always pushing?"

Daryl 1: "Now what'd you have to go and bring politics in it for?"

Billy: "Anyway, we need a law to stop it. But we need a federal law. To protect our children. Can you boys handle it?"

Daryl 1: "We'll try our best!"

Daryl 2: "You kin count on us, boss! We'll get those red M&Ms banned!"

Billy: "Um, I'm not your boss..."

Al: "Ahem. That's real good of you to help the boss. Now, I hate to rush things, but the Governor does have another appointment now, so..."

[fade scene]

Narrator: Somewhere along the Arkansas-Mexico border, well past midnight, a large, black car is being driven at a high rate of speed along an obscure county road. The lights are off.

[distant siren approaching]

Billy: "Oh, boy. Here comes the Border Patrol."

?: <thickly accented, foreign voice> "Pliz, let me to do the talking."

Billy: "No, this is mah state. I can control things."

?: "Bit I have diplomatique immunity."

[window powers down]

Billy: "Good morning, officer, what seems to be the problem?"

Officer 1: "May I see your license, please, sir?"

Billy: <rustles in pocket, then in smug voice:> "Here is it, officer."

Officer 1: "Mr. Governor, you were exceeding the speed limit, driving without appropriate lighting, driving in an unsafe manner, your brake lights were out, driving on a road officially closed to the public, you hit a deer out of season, and you appear to have an insufficient quantity of greasy kid stuff in your hair for someone representing the state of Arkansas."

[quiet moment]

Billy: "Well, mah friend here has diplomatic immunity."

Officer 1: "That's fine, sir. I'm not charging him with anything."

Officer 2: "Hey, Joe! There's a bunch of bags in the back seat!"

?: <sigh>

Billy: "Hey, Joe! Where you goin' with that gun in your hand?"

[cheesy radio play ripoff of Hendrix guitar riff]

Officer 1: "I want both of you out of the car. Now! Keep your hands in sight, and don't make any sudden moves! Come on, move!"

[car doors open & close, shoes on gravel]

?: "I have diplomatique immunity!"

Officer 2: "That's nice. Don't try anything, and I won't have to shoot your gluteous diplomaticus, thereby creating an international incident which could lead to war between our countries, resulting in millions of deaths - all on your head!"

Officer 1: "It's M&Ms, all right. Illegal red ones. Book 'em, Dany."

Judge: "What do you have to say for yourself?"

?: "I haf diplomatique immunity."

Billy: "Your honor, the people of this Ambassador's country have a right to red M&Ms. The laws against these are wrong. Shouldn't they have a right to choose? Do we want to go back to the days of back alley M&M factories? Do you know how many of this man's country-persons died from impurities in the coat hanger rust used in making dye for homemade red M&Ms?"

Judge: <coldly> "Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

Billy: "No, Ah also have these pictures. Here, your honor, look carefully."

Judge: <gasp!>

Billy: "I also have the negatives."

Judge: "Case dismissed! Next!"

D.A.: "What??? Your honor!"

Judge: "Mr. District Attorney, one more outburst from you, and I'll have you arrested for contempt of court! Case dismissed!!!"

[amazed, excited babbling rises throughout courtroom]

Billy: "Another victory for truth, justice, and the American way!"

?: "And diplomatique immunity."

[fade out]

Copyright 1995 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.